Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Unworthy secrets

The feelings are something I can't describe.
They're something I can't manage so inside I hide.
I hate myself
but I don't hate me,
I hate image that I look in the mirror and see.
I am unlovable
if you only knew
The part of me that is untrue.
I am contaminated
I don't understand why
I can't overcome it
no matter what I try.
I am not insane
So don't treat me like I am
I don't need a judge
I need a friend.
It's not my fault
but I carry the sin
My eyes knowing more then innocence has been.
Why am I this way?
fighting the feeling of crying?
Though I put on a smile
I'm dreaming of dieing
So love me I beg you
But please don't hurt me
Don't leave me alone
But please let me be.
I don't need you protection
But you'll kill me if you misuse your affection
Don't tell what you find
It would only be unkind
my secret is unworthy
and forever mine.


In this darkened room
I sit alone on my bed
Thoughts of sadness and despair
Running through my head

Curled up tight, I sit
Tears fall drop after drop
I bury my head and grip it tight
Wishing the pain would stop

Feeling so lost and so confused
My head is spinning, my body shakes
I feel like Im falling
Im about to break

Haunted by memories
Cant let go of the past
Youre still here tormenting me
How much longer will it last?

Dreams of the agony
The punches and things you said
All the things you did to me
Whirl round my head

Memories wont leave me alone
Abusing my mind
All I want is to let go
Happiness I want to find

Your eyes still watch
That evil stare
You haunt my dreams
Youre always there

Why do you do this?
Why do you torment me?
Why cant I escape this?
Will I ever break free?

In this darkened room
I sit alone on my bed
Thoughts of sadness and despair
Running through my head

Torn love

The round colorful combination is deadly
Tomorrow this will all be through.
Finally an end to my torment
They'd understand if only they knew
Raising the glass and I open my hand...
The thoughts of loved flash through my head
I drop the pills to the floor
It'd kill tomorrow if today I was dead.
Upstairs working on the computer
An electric shock as I look at the plug
The reaction is deadly assisted with water...
As I rise My little bro tackles me with a hug.
I sit back down grimace him a smile.
I can't kill myself infront of my brother
He'd be dissappointed if he knew this is all he had for a sister
I could not bear his tears refering to me
If at a my funeral he said "I miss her."
Shut Up the voices running through my head
Am I really that insane?
But stay away and do not love me!
Let me freeze to death in the rain.
I sometimes wonder if it'd hurt
When you hit the ground 100 feet below?
But I cannot bear to hurt the people I love,
Why they love me I'll never know.
But in the end my death would be their favor
There life would be better if I had never beeb born.
Somehow they all still love me,
It's between their love and suicide that I am torn

2 roads

Two different roads
One goes to my head
another is attatched to my heart.
A stomach screaming to be fed
I am being ripped apart
By eyes gazing in the mirror
Shedding salt watered hate.
An addiction covering fear
Not dealing with my fate.
The road to my head
Is traveled all to well
By knowledge false beliefs lead
My mind is a constant hell.
The one that connects the heart
Is a journey for few brave friends.
Loving many who will never start.
Hiding where the forbiden road ends.


Self centered selfish self hate.
Longing, lost, loathsome fate.
The invisible holes torn in my heart
broken beyond discouragement to start.
Turning to a lighthouse that I sailed away.
Amazed at love pure enough to stay.
Prideful body demands will power's control..
Spirit burried under gound beckons my soul.
The wounds go to deep
Rape rears reluctant revenge
Scars numbing what I weep
Focusing anxiety in a binge.
What depths I would seek
For the past to be undone
I long to be meek
The fear signals reflexses to run.
The face of another I want to deserve
Slave to my master him I can't serve.

Tears in alone

I feel lost and empty
I am scared of my fear of being alone
I am angry at myself for needing
I am longing for someone to take me home.
Why do you make me feel this way
So despprate yet alive and new.
How come before alone felt content?
Now I don't know what to do.
Insanity of emotions
Dreaming of self-destruction
knowing I can not act on these notions
Hoping you're making changes too.
I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those hazel eyes
Hoping to understand
why you've said those things you did
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
you look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
slowly pull me towards you
and wipe the tears from my cheek
Then I realize you aren't really there
My emotions once again decived
Your presence in heart's memory
The tear rolls down my cheek
exsisting all alone
Sobs soothe myself to sleep.

Kill me

Current mood: crappy
Category: Writing and Poetry
Kill me
Please God bless me to die
Please let me come home
Please let it be painless
Please don’t let it be known
Life is so frail
Take mine away
Don’t make me live tomorrow
Don’t make me live today.
How about a semi
Or a comet could strike
How about a heat attack
Or an accident on my bike.
I could be struck by lightening
Or shot by a terrorist attack
I could block a bullet for another
Or die from the nutrients I lack.
Put me into a comma
And don’t let me open my eyes
Let death come sooner then latter
Everyone dies.
I dream of death
The thought brings me peace
Not having to live here
Being the one deceased.
Please watch over my loved ones
And don’t let them be heart broken
For the death I am longing
I am already living unspoken.